Today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary. That’s big shit. Truly. It would have been even bigger had Matt and I still been married. But, small technicality, we’re not. We’ve actually been divorced for about 10 of those 20 years. Regardless of the fact that our youngest child will be nine this summer, we didn’t quite adhere to the vows that God and so many churches set before us, the date is an honest one.
The truth is that I’m totally okay with this. In fact, had Matt’s father not been such an enormous butt head and insisted his first born grandson be legitimate, I’m fairly sure Matt and I would have let nature take a more natural course and not gotten married. I like to think we would have lived and loved one another without the pressure of marriage. What can I say, we were young, impressionable, without college degrees. We gave in and tied the knot. A knot that eventually left me without breath and I insisted on severing the legal ties.
However, here we are. Twenty years later. We live together. Love together to the best of our abilities. I sometimes look at us and throw back my head and laugh. Because us? Twenty years? Are you fucking kidding me? Damn straight. It’s not easy. In fact, it’s a daily project. But I love this man. He gave me three beautiful children. This man who has seen me big, small, young and not so young. He has endured my crazy and accepted it for what it is. We have weathered the emergency room for most members of our clan. Deaths. Defeat, hope. You name it and we have pretty much been there and done it. So there. Bring it, bitch.
I’m not sure there is a gift for 10 years of marriage and another 10 to breathe life into a union. What would it be? A weekend trip to the psych ward for one while the other can enjoy 48 hours at a wine tasting vineyard tour? Or how about three months in Europe while a nanny attends to the children on the home front? No, there’s not really anything for it.
I woke up today with a smile to what this date truly means. We were once a long time from here, and now we truly are right here: two souls who made a few more souls. We all share this absurd love for one another. We are all a bit broken, but who among us isn’t? We are a bad ass group, our family. I love us all to pieces and would be absolutely lost without us.
So here I toast to Matt: my man and love. Our children: Loren, Cassidy and Devon. We are a clan, a brood, a flock, a family. We are a lucky lot to have found this. Thank you, I love you all. And a most special thank you to Matt, I hope there are many more unspoken days of glory. You deserve a trophy, my love. We both do.
This is one of my all time favorite songs and it never fails to remind me of the months when Matt and I first met. I was 21, he 20. We were so young. I first heard it not long after after he had his stroke. The first time it played and the words circulated through my head, I wished we could both go back and start all over again. We can’t and won’t, but this song never fails to give me a good case of chills and hope. In equal amounts.